Feeling a little REJECTED!!

I don't think I like rejection. It makes me feel mad, angry, sad, not good enough...blah, blah, blah. But somehow every time I get rejected, in the back of my mind their is a little voice that says "yes, I don't have to deal with this". What the f**k is that? That makes me think sometimes people don't really mean what they say, this includes me too. It's like telling life lies to make days go by easier. Your heart jumps with a little excitement when you lie to yourself. Every time I lie to myself I tell myself it's ok, who's going to know. Ha ha I actually need to stop doing that. I guess I like surprising myself because I never know what I am capable of doing. It's sad and then funny and then sad again and then funny again... and the cycle goes on. The whole point of this is that I got two rejections for my grant. I sent out 5 grants out because I thought it would increase my chances of getting $5,000
for a new laptop. One of the rejections was by email. Ugck What is that? I think I am worth a piece of shredded dead tree and ink, instead I got dehumanized by technology. I got mad with the email. When I received the letter, I was excited and scared that I would actually have to do some work if I win the grant. When I read that I am not what the company is looking for, I smiled. My mom thought I got the grant, and when I told her the truth she gave me the weirdest look. I know this makes no sense but I understand myself and I know that one day I will totally feel rejected and fully baste in that horrible feeling. It will not last for 5 minutes, it will last for 5 weeks instead. Damn I guess I am tired now because I sound like an Emo kid...Good night!