Waylon 12

Dear Doctor Faustus,

You ain’t got nothin’ on us. When you signed a deal with the devil for power over all things earthly, all you did was play pranks on the Pope and screw sexy witches. I have just one thing to say to you: grow some fucking balls, man.

We’re more like Coyote than you, anyway. That is, if you discount his conscience. While he (like you and us) is driven by his appetite, he did fix the world more times than one. We’re going to destroy ourselves and everybody with our appetite. You, on the other hand, are a pussy.

Have you heard about our nuclear energy programs, or is the hellfire too loud in your ears? In case you haven’t, we figured out how to split the atom, which releases energy. And we can use that energy to heat our homes, cook our food, charge our cell phones (which, incidentally, cause cancer), and blow people up. We’re kind of over that last one, mostly, but man, are we hungry for energy and power! The downside is that these power plants are super unstable. So if a worker at one of these plants fucks up, the whole thing can poison and potentially kill a whole bunch of people. And even if everybody involved does everything right, all it takes is a major earthquake to cause a national disaster of explosive proportions!

(You like what I did right there? How I used “explosive” instead of “super” or “ginormous” to talk about nuclear meltdowns? Yeah, I’m in college. I know how to do things with words.)

But that’s not all we do! We’re permanently altering the climate, ‘cause we gots to have us our oil to drive our cars. We’re destroying sustainable indigenous ways of life, because their lands have oil and running water and all kinds of shit we can turn into power. And, dear Hans, we have power. We have a kind of power that makes your horse-thieving, Jew-robbing hijinks look like a pebble of pathetic next to a purple mountain’s majesty.

And so, to conclude, fuck you asshole.

Sincerely,

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