Mercury

I remember the time I brought a lover over to spend the night with me at my parents’ house. Well, to be precise, she came as a friend and left as a lover. We were hanging out in my room watching a movie. Then we started to cuddle. She asked if she could spend the night, and I enthused “Yes!” That was when I discovered the drawback to my cyborg lower body.

You see, I’m the survivor of a horrible accident. I was driving through the New Mexican desert when a meteor struck my car severing my seat-belt. I crashed through the windshield and landed face up on an armadillo. I opened my eyes just in time to see my Silverado plummeting towards me.

I woke up in a hospital, an IV in my arm. I had this terrible pain in my legs. I hesitantly looked down to find out what the matter was, and vomited when I saw the flat sheet below my waist. The doctor told me they had to amputate the lower half of my body, but that there was an experimental new procedure that would return my life to normal. After checking to make sure my insurance would cover it, I signed the paper work to have my missing half replaced by a machine.

I thought it was the best thing that had ever happened! Not only could I walk and run, but I could run really really fast, and fly. I designed a disguise and became MERCURY, extraordinarily endowed crime fighter!

But that night I brought my best friend home and she asked to stay the night, I learned all about the dark side of my abilities. You see, I can’t feel sex. Enraged that she got hers, but I could never get mine, I kicked her out on the street, donned my MERCURY costume, and vanished into the night to brood.

I’d been having a bad week anyway. You see, a super-villain had just tried to frame me for his crimes, and I was disgusted at how quickly the citizenry turned against me. “They want me to be a criminal?” I asked myself, “I’ll give them a criminal.” So I stole a Corvette from a car lot and went joyriding, totaling the car against a tree.

And what a rush! I had no idea that doing evil felt so good! Why, it must be better than even sex. Not that I’d know, since I’m a freak who can never feel pleasure in the same way as a normal human being. But now I’m committed to a life of crime, a life where I stand as a god amongst ants, a life where I can maybe approach the orgasmic paradise that fate has denied me. No more am I MERCURY the hero. Henceforth, I am YRUCREM, the world’s mightiest super-villain!