How much of my life have I consolidated? i would like to say that I’ve trimmed the fat. Disposed of what I don’t need or think I don’t need. But I can’t say that I fully believe this. How can I get rid of that stuffed animal I got from a best friend in third grade? Or that memory of the food fight in my townhouse basement? As someone who likes to hold on, I enjoy collecting, keeping, remembering…consolidation is quite possibly not in my vocabulary. Does that mean I’m not focused? Does that mean I have little room for the new and the present? And does that influence who and what I am today? I am afraid to forget memories for fear that that will mean that the events, the people, the places never even happened. Sounds a bit like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, actually. I wish there was a box to keep all of my memories, ideas, and feelings in. then I could fully let them go all the while keeping them close. This way there would be more room for the present and the future.
So, what 20% of my life am I really focused on? I’d like to say that my focus is on school. On my education. In a way, this isn’t so far from the truth. I’m taking a full class load, interning, and trying to fit working in there. After a hiatus from school, it’s nice to finally be back in the classroom thinking about and doing art. In actuality? I fear that my focus is on creating these memories and storing them away. So am I basing my life on other people? On the events that concern others? In that case, I should just be an event planner. It would save a lot of space in my head. But then what does that accomplish? How is living outside of yourself beneficial? It’s not because you are living for others. It’s okay to live with others but not for others. that makes me sound unfocused. how can i be when i'm taking a full class load of art history and interning at a museum? im pretty focused and it's on art. but, i'd like to also focus on baking, or watching movies, or traveling...
i wish i had that box!
i could even store away my different interests. everytime i want a new interest i could put the other one in the box. close it up and not think about it until i want to deal with it again. but having all these 20%'s of life running around in my head causes me to be unfocused sometimes.
again...i need that box.
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