A Few Misconceptions

Laplander Ice Torture is really a misnomer. It sounds like a horrible ordeal to endure, but it isn't. It's a kind of snowcone filled with cherry red syrup, coconut and pineapple bits, rum, and chocolate. The torturous part is you can't eat just one. They're addictive. It's not the same thing as Sammi Ice Torture.The Sammis like to add stuff like birch twigs to their snowcones. Don't ask me why. Don't ask them why. No one knows. It's just one of those funky traditions from way back when.

And to clear up Waylon's assertion that I took out a third of Norway in that botched moose mission: that is an erroneous statement. It was Jose, not me who ordered it. Or Dr. Z; he orders all sorts of crazy things. All for the sake of Art, whoever that is. Scandinavia is a pretty big place, so maybe they won't notice. I'd hate to see the bill for that boo-boo, if you know what I mean.

I do take responsibility for the Badger March and the Great Hedgehog Cure. Too bad Spud still hasn't grown all his spines back yet.

Dear Annika

Dear Annika, Why would you go and blow my cover? I thought we were friends, but apparently we're not. You know why? Because a real friend wouldn't reveal my true location after I had to defect to cover her ass after she "inadvertantly" directed a drone bomber to take out a whole herd of moose. I even told you that if you did that you'd be taking out a third of Norway's population, but would you listen? No, you had to go into the Scandinavian wilderness with your guns blazing, just to prove how tough you were. And I took the heat for you. You know why? Because that's what friends do. Now I was just starting to get settled down in the Yukon, but I guess I'm going to have to move somewhere else. I'll just have to tell my friends where to write me. But I'm not going to tell you. You know why? Because you betrayed my trust, and that hurts more than Laplander ice torture. Sincerely, XXXXX